Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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