I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
