i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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