Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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