I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
