Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
