He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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