my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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