My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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