If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
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I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
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Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?