Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea