I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I seem to have left my pride at pride
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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