Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
