Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
