I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
