I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
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