Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
no. you can't hotbox the world.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
