i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
