I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
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When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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