Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize