He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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