mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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