Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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