Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
