She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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