i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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