We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
