it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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