If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
