No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
