Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
