just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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