I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
