Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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