if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I look better un-naked...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
