fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
