So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
