You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
