Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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