A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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