I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
