Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
