Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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