you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
