i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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