There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
