I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
