Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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