I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
