Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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