All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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