im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
