I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
this beer tastes like vomit already
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
