my sisters under your porch take her home
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
