My sheets look like a crime scene.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
