he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
