did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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