Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
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The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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