He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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