Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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